just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize