Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
