she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
