what day is it and did you see me today?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
