I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
