so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i dont even know how to be here
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
