Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
