I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
