My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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