I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
