i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
