did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we made out on top of his cat.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
