I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
