She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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