I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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