You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
