I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize