I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
