Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize