doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
