I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
