My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
