the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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