quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
