Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
