I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
