I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
