u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
