I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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