I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
