I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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