So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
