I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
