so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
