pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize