I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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