I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
