They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
where are my eyebrows?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
