If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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