On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize