I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
