Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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