i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
