Umm I'm too high to move.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
