There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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