I think my fart just growled at me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
