You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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