Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
