It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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