I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
