I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
