Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
