I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize