my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
