Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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