I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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