Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
