I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
