my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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