after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My ATM looks so different sober.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
